Dealing with Loss - A Year Later

The name of my blog is a bit of a misnomer at the present time. My life hasn't been very crafty for the last year. It is hard to find the time and the motivation. Although lately, the spark has been coming back. So hopefully you will begin to see more posts and more craft projects, especially with all of the holidays approaching. But for today, I want to reflect on the past year and give a brief insight into what loss looks like a year later. I find writing down my feelings to be very therapeutic. I am just going to write as things come to me, so this post may not follow a very logical path.

A year has passed since I lost my beloved husband. Is that really possible? An entire year has gone by? It has been the most difficult year imaginable, but there have also been many happy moments, all of which involve my amazing son. People often ask me how I am doing and I usually respond with "Oh, I am doing pretty good" or "I'm fine, thanks". But in all honesty, I don't know how I am doing. At certain moments I am happy. Sometimes I feel angry. At other times I feel guilty for being happy. Often I feel sad. And above all else, I feel lonely. Don't get me wrong, I am usually surrounded by loving family and friends. And they are truly amazing - I couldn't have gotten through the last year without them. But it isn't the same thing as having your best friend and soul mate by your side day in and day out. For 19 years I had a constant companion, someone who knew me better than I know myself, who knew what I was thinking from just a look. And I miss that. I miss laying my head on Keith's chest and listening to his heartbeat while he stroked my hair. I miss having someone to share the exciting and the mundane of life with. I miss the sound of his voice. I miss listening to him play the piano.

It is hard to believe that it has been a year, and yet so much has happened in the last year. Alex started taking gym and swimming classes at the local YWCA. We joined our local chapter of MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers). I joined an amazing volunteer organization which raises money for the maternity and pediatric units of the local hospital. Since this past spring, with enormous help from family and friends (especially my mother-in-law and father-in-law), we have managed to completely renovate the bathroom, finish the master bedroom (painting, new floor, etc.), Alex's room (painting, new closet, electrical, etc.), put down flooring in the laundry room and dining room, and several other smaller projects. It is like having a new house. I only wish Keith could have been here to enjoy it. We did so many home repair projects together, it was strange to do them without him. The first time I went to Lowe's after Keith died, I almost broke down right there in the tool aisle. So much time was spent in those stores together that I had a hard time shopping there on my own.

One of the hardest things for me has been learning to make decisions on my own. For so long the decisions had been a joint effort, involving discussions and compromise. Suddenly every decision was mine to make. What color to paint the walls? Which flooring? What furniture to buy? Another difficult thing has been learning to ask for help. I have always been independent and used to doing for myself. But I am not Superwoman and I have learned to accept help from others. I am still not great about asking for help, but it has gotten easier to accept the help when offered.

I still find myself speaking in terms of "we". It is a hard habit to break after 19 years. And most times it works, since there is still a "we", it just happens to be me and Alex instead of me and Keith.

It is odd what affects you and what doesn't. I don't have any problem driving down the street where Keith collapsed. I don't even mind going to the hospital where Keith died. But I still can't bring myself to listen to the Classic Rock radio station because so many of the songs are associated with memories and it makes me sad. So I content myself with listening to the latest pop songs that have no memories associated with them. And yet these songs can be difficult as well. So many songs are about love and loss and a lyric will hit a little too close to home and I will lose it there in the car. I still have a hard time spending large chunks of time at our computer store because Keith's presence is everywhere there and it is hard to be there without him by my side.

My respect for single parents has grown exponentially this past year. Being a single parent is hard. Not just the logistics of figuring out how to balance everything (work, cooking, cleaning, laundry, making quality time for your child, etc.). It is hard shouldering all of the responsibility for your child. Am I doing enough? Am I letting him watch too much TV? Am I feeding him a well-balanced diet? Is he happy? Am I teaching him enough? Am I showing him enough love to make up for the fact that his Daddy is no longer here? And it is terribly frightening when your child is sick and there is no one there to calm your fears and make rational observations.

I have come to hate the number 5 over the last year. Every time the 5th came up on the calendar was a reminder of my loss. 2 months since Keith died, 5 months since I lost my best friend, 8 months since Alex lost his father. A constant reminder of everything missing from our lives staring at me from the pages of the calendar.

Not a day goes by that I do not think about Keith and miss him with all of my heart. He makes his way into conversations on a regular basis. How could he not? He was a part of my life for longer than he wasn't. Any story I tell from the last 20 years is likely to feature him in some way. So it feels very natural to talk about him.

I get most upset when I think about Alex and what he is missing out on. I had 19 wonderful, amazing years with Keith. Not enough, surely, but I do have many, many memories to sustain me. Alex was less than 2 years old when he lost his Daddy. He will never have the chance to create memories with Keith. And I am so incredibly sad for what Keith is missing out on. He isn't here to see what an amazing child Alex is. He isn't here to take Alex trick-or-treating or watch him chase the cat around the house.

Today I will surround myself with my loved ones and try to make it through the day. Keith always told me I was stronger than I realized and this past year has put that to the test. I am still standing and I will continue to be strong for Alex. There really isn't a choice. That is what needs to be done.

I miss you, Keith.

Floral Spring Card

Usually this time of year brings the site of spring flowers in my yard. With the unusual weather we have experienced here in upstate NY, many flowers bloomed early this year and now we are having a cold snap, threatening to kill the remaining blooms. Since I don't currently have any pretty flowers to look at in my yard, I decided to create a card featuring flowers instead.

This card uses 2 files from Shelly's Art - Card Base 1 and Spring Watering Can Digi. All of the papers are from my scrap bin, so I am unsure of most of the brands. I printed the digital stamp on a blue mica/metallic paper from the Paper Temptress. It has a great sheen that even shows through the markers. I don't have great markers, or great coloring skills for that matter, but I like how it turned out. The sentiment is from stamps by K Andrew Designs. I also added some Stickles on the spout of the watering can to mimic water drops.

 

CHALLENGES:

*Scrapalicious USA (Challenge - Flower Power)

 Thanks for stopping by!

Baby Shower Card

Sorry it has been so long since I posted. My life is finally settling into a routine and I am finding the desire (and time) to craft again. So be on the lookout for lots of posts in the near future.

Today I want to share a card I made for a baby shower. It uses a fabulous file from Sam & Hailey Designs (Baby Shower Animals Card). The background paper is from DCWV's Nana's Nursery Baby Boy. I used brown embossing puffs on the lion's mane. The umbrellas are mounted with foam tape and the handles are made from wire. Then I gave each of the animals some googly eyes.




Here is a closeup so you can see some of those details better.



Challenges:
*My Craft Spot (Challenge #52 - Make it Pop)
*Scrapalicious USA (Challenge - April Showers)


Thanks for stopping by!

Ornament Christmas Card

I have another Christmas card to share with you today, with lots of sparkle and bling. I used a cutter file from Visual Designs by Chris (Ornament Card Front) to create this card. I love this file because there are only 2 cuts to make, one for each layer. And you could just stop there and have a beautiful card. I, of course, couldn't resist adding some extra details. The background was embossed with the Large Snowflake Cuttlebug folder. I used a gold paint marker to add pen stitching around the outside and to color the tops of each ornament. Using my i-rock, I attached some red, green and gold gems to one of the ornaments. I added green, red and gold Stickles to a couple of the other ornaments. I also added a clear rhinestone that I colored with the gold paint marker to the other ornament. I just love all the sparkle!






Challenges:
*The Pink Elephant (Challenge #128 - Snowflakes & Sparkle)
*Creative Craft Challenges (Challenge - Faux or Real Stitching)


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Holiday Antler Cards

Here are 3 cards I made using a file collection from Accents by Eddita (Antler Holiday Card Collection). The patterned papers are from Cloud 9 Design. I used the Large Snowflake and Ornament Collection embossing folders. These were quick and simple to put together, and I love how they turned out.








Challenges:
*Anything Goes Challenge Blog (Challenge #55 - Decorative or Altered Corners)


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Winter Wishes Snowman Card

Here is a Christmas card I made using a cutter file from Visual Designs by Chris (Skating Snowman). The background paper is from DCWV (I think). The snowflake background is cut from ice blue vinyl. I added black Stickles to the eyes and buttons on the snowman. The little pom-pom on the hat has Sparkly Fluff added to it. The sentiment and snowflake stamp are from K. Andrew's Winter Wishes stamp set. This snowman is so adorable. He makes me smile every time I look at him.

Challenges:
*Celebrate the Occasion Challenge #42 (Christmas - no green)
*One Stop Craft Challenge (Challenge #160 - Let it Snow)


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Gearing Up For Christmas

I cannot believe Christmas is only a few weeks away. I am slowly getting back into crafting, beginning with a bunch of Christmas cards I plan to share over the next week. But for today I want to share an advent calendar I made last year. This is a project I made using a file collection by Jen Adkins over at Paperthreads (Countdown to Christmas).


Here is my completed Countdown to Christmas project. It took me over a week to complete, but it was so worth it! I am so very happy with how this turned out. And I can use it for years and years to come. The base of the project is a cookie sheet and all of the little elements are magnets. As you remove each piece, you can simply attach it to the backside of the cookie sheet.




I used 2 different patterned papers for the base of the cookie sheet. The paper is attached using decoupage paste. I made it into a grid using some green ribbon. I printed the numbers out twice, once in red and once in green. Then I used a circle punch to punch out the numbers. I glued these down in alternating colors inside the squares of my grid. The title is cut from some sparkly vinyl I had.




When I glued the paper to the cookie sheet, I let it hang over the edges. To clean this up and make it look more finished, I went around the whole cookie sheet with some striped Christmas ribbon I picked up at Joann's.




I had so much fun decorating all the different elements. I used markers to go around the outside edges of all the pieces and to add details. Lots of Stickles were used to add color and sparkle. I used some colored rhinestones for the man's eyes and a metal star charm for his hat.




I used markers to add details like the girl's eyes and nose and the snowman's mouth. More Stickles were used. I used rhinestones for the snowman's eyes and silver circles to decorate the one tree. The other tree has a star charm on top.




I used a white gel pen for the gingerbread people. The penguin, Santa, the hat and the stocking all have sparkly fluff added to the white parts. I used some googly eyes on the reindeer. Santa's eyes and the center of the snowflake are rhinestones. The bottom layer of the snowflake was cut from holographic paper.




I hope you enjoyed seeing my advent calendar. My plan is to start blogging regularly again so please come back and visit.

Challenges:
*Scrapalicious USA (Christmas Project Challenge)


Thanks for stopping by!