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Friday, October 7, 2011

Love and Loss

My life has been wonderful and blessed. At least until Wednesday, October 5, 2011. That is the day that my world was turned upside down and nothing will ever be the same again. That is the day that I lost my best friend, my soulmate, my husband. That is the day that my "everything " was taken from me. It started out like any other day. I was taking the recycling out to the curb. My husband said he wanted to take a walk. I put Alex down for his nap and hopped on the computer. And then there was a knock at the door. And there was a cop standing on my front porch, telling me I needed to come to the hospital, that someone had seen Keith collapse while on his walk. And then we got to the hospital and I saw him lying there on the table, not responding, with so many people doing everything they could to bring him back to me. But his heart had given out and it would not start beating agian. He was gone. And a piece of me was gone as well. I am left incomplete, no longer whole.

To better understand Keith's place in my life and in my heart, here is a little backstory. I met Keith when I was 16 and he was 19. It was the summer before my junior year. He was friends with my best friend's boyfriend. The four of us spent a lot of time together that summer, hanging out, playing mini golf, going to the local Renaissance Fair. We got to know each other as friends and then it blossomed into so much more. That is the summer that I found the love of my life, the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And I felt so blessed that I had found him at such a young age so we would have a lifetime together.

We dated throughout the rest of my high school years, all through my college years. I came home from college every weekend to be with him. He had started his own computer business just before we met and I would work with him there during the summers. After I graduated, we moved in together and I went to work with him full-time. Ever since that time (June 1998) we have been together practically 24-7. Over the years, many have asked how we managed so much togetherness. They were amazed, like it was some sort of challenge to be together so much. We relished it. Why wouldn't you want to be with your best friend all of the time? In 2003, we finally made it official and got married. Keith has told me he felt married to me almost from the beginning, so to him it was just a piece of paper. And our life didn't really change after the ceremony. The only real difference seemed to be my last name. Otherwise, our life together marched on happily just as it had before the wedding.

We spent many wonderful years together, just the 2 of us, and then we decided we were ready to bring another member into the family. In December 2009, we welcomed our son, Alex, into the family. And then we were 3. Keith was so excited to be a father and he was an incredible, loving, wonderful father. He was the one to give Alex his baths, he made sure he told him how much he loved him every day, he loved to play with him, and take him for walks, and to the park. Earlier this summer, we took Alex to the circus and I don't know who had more fun, Alex or Keith. It was such a joy to watch them together. And Alex looks just like his Daddy. Everyone always comments on that. And now it is so bittersweet to see my son's sweet face.

We have been together for 19 fabulous years. And before Wednesday, that sounded like a long time. But it isn't. It is such a short, short period of time. We were supposed to have another 50 or 60 years together. We were going to start trying for another baby. Keith wanted to buy an RV and travel around the country as a family, seeing all that the country has to offer. We were going to grow old and grey together. And now all of those hopes, dreams, and plans have vanished.

Keith was a beloved member of our families, of our friends, of our business clients, of so many in the community. There has been such an outpouring of love and support from so many. I have been hearing from our high school classmates that we haven't spoken to in 15 years or more. And they all still remember what a truly incredible man my husband was. He is the smartest person I have ever met. He is kind, loving, sweet, fun, wonderful, incredible. And I am going to miss him so much. He has always been my rock, my anchor, my support. How do I go on without him? How do I raise our son to be the man Keith would want him to be? How do I get through each day without a hug and kiss from my husband? Without hearing him say I love you? Without feeling his hand holding mine? How do I get through the next minute, the next hour, the next week, the next year? How?

Please keep me and Alex in your prayers. We have a long, difficult journey ahead of us.


Kelly

27 comments:

  1. Kelly,
    I am soo sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. My father drowned when I was 4 weeks old and I know my mother was lost. I am so glad you have a good support system. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Alex. http://visionsofpaper.blogspot.com/

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  2. Oh Kelly what a fitting tribute you have written for your husband and so shocked to hear the terrible news.Prayers with you and keep up your strength for Alex sake.
    Love
    Sonia

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  3. My heart breaks for you and your son reading this. I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts go out to you both.

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  4. Love and prayers coming your way for the both of you. My heart is heavy with your loss. KNOW that I am here for you ANY time! I'm glad you have so much support in your time of need! I love you my dear, sweet friend! KNOW God is with you...

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  5. Please know that I am praying for you and Alex. If you need anything ever, please don't hesitate to ask. You will be in my continued thoughts.

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  6. I have no words. Losing a significant other is my biggest fear, I am so at a loss reading your story. I am definitely keeping you and your son in my thoughts. You are so so strong

    -rachel

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  7. Kelly, You and your son will forever be in my prayers. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

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  8. Oh goodness Kelly! Prayers being said! I can't image what you are going through. Tears are streaming down my face. Thanks soo much for sharing your thoughts with us. It is great you are letting things out instead of withdrawing from the world! Bless Alex and you and let me know if you need me to do anything at all!

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  9. Kelly my dear friend, there are no words! I am so sorry. You and your son and the rest of your family will be in my daily prayers. The only real thing I can give you, from experience is feel your grief, walk through it, it will be better for you. Yell if you need to, cry, be silent, punch a pillow, allow yourself to go through the process. That will be different for you than for anyone else, your grief is your grief. Don't look for closier, there's no such thing! And pray! God can and will help. Blog your feelings or journal them that may help too. And let people help you. My heart is with you, Kelly, My prayer for you today is strength and peace. Hugs, Pam

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  10. Dearest Kelly,
    I am hurting for you right now. I am so very sorry for your loss and for you little guys also. Remember, you have all the right in the world, to cry, scream and even slam your fists, but also know this is healthy for you. I will be keeping you and your little one in my prayers and just keep talking about it. It's also very healing.
    Love and hugs
    Brenda

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  11. Kelly, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I will be thinking and praying for you and your son.

    Karen

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  12. Thankyou for being strong enough to share your wonderful story. Thinking of you and Alex and keeping you in my prayers. love and hugs, caz

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  13. What a beautiful love story with a horrible ending. Thanks for sharing it, Just wish I could change it. Always remember him and shower Alex with photo's, videos, memories and words of Keith. He knows your a wonderful mom and will continue to be. You are a beautiful woman!!! Everyone gave you good advise but you have to grieve your way, don't worry about if it is the "correct way"...it is your and Alex's right way...just do it! Love, prayers and hugs. Ginger

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  14. Oh Kelly, I am so, so very deeply sorry for your loss. I am sorry for the delay in sending you my heartfelt prayers and condolences. I've been out of town for two weeks and I just read this and my heart is breaking for you. The story of your life with Keith is so beautiful and nineteen years is not enough...but you have nineteen years of sweet memories to remember. And you will always have a part of him with you in Alex. I will pray for you and Alex daily, for God to give you the strength to get through the next hour, day, week. For God to give you the comfort of knowing that Keith is safely by his side now. I am so sorry you have to go through this my dear, sweet friend. My thoughts, prayers, love and support are with you.

    Lisa

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  15. Kelly I am so sorry for your loss. I pray that God will heal your heart and guide you daily. God bless you and yours. Thank you for sharing your life with us. So touching.

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  16. OUCH! Kelly I just found your blog, entered your give-away, then went to the top and read this heart-breaking story. Through my tears I just wanted to share that a very similar thing happened to me in 1996, but I was with him when his heart gave out. You have a rough road ahead, but it sounds like you have an awesome support system in place and a wonderful son to care for. Please know that even as a stranger I will be praying for you and your son as you journey towards healing. If you ever want to chat just give me a toot at lilypadsis at cox dot net.

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  17. I just stopped by to say hello, and to say you and Alex are in my daily prayers as promised. You are so loved. I wish I could take your pain from you. You are in my thoughts, if there's anything I can do let me know.

    Hugs, Pam

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  18. oh Kelly, I am so sorry to have to read this post. I was just dropping by to say hi. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and pray that you find the comfort you need to make it through this pain. Hugs to your and your little guy.
    Kacee

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  19. Kelly, I am so sorry to hear of this loss. I was dropping by to tell you that you won the cartridge for putting up my Halloween Hop Badge, and I was shocked when I saw this post. It is very hard when you lose somebody, never mind when it is so tragic and sudden. I lost my younger sister four years ago (sudden and unexpected). Pray, pray and pray. What helped me get through was every time I felt like I could not move on without her, I would think of her and know she NEVER would want to see me in that much emotional pain. I know your husband would not want you to feel that either. You and your son will be in my thoughts and prayers everyday. I will e-mail you to get your information. Sending you big hugs!

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  20. Kelly I am so sorry about your loss. I can barely write this through my tears as I can imagine the pain you are feeling right now. To loose the love of your life. I will be praying and thinking of you and your son everyday.

    Lots of Love,
    Erika

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  21. Kelly, I am so sorry about your loss. I cannot imagine losing my best friend like that. I am praying for God to give you the strength that you need to not only get through the grieve, but to keep his memories alive for your son. Although he's young, he will remember him through you. God bless you and wrap his arms around you during this difficult time.

    Many blessings,
    Zeni

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  22. Kelly, I am saddened by your loss of such a wonderful man. Your strength and motivation to do what he would have wanted you to do.. will help carry you through. I can not even imagine your pain not only for you, but your lil man and I pray God will be there for you during this difficult time.

    Hugs,
    Tanya

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  23. Kelly, I am new to your blog but I am on the DT of Crafty Sprouts. You were the topic of our latest conversation and I wanted to stop by and tell you just how sorry I am for your loss. I am praying for you and Alex. There is nothing that I can say to make you feel better I know that so I am not even going to try. I have been through this with my best friend whose daughter was just about Alex's age when it happened. I know with her all I could do was hold her and just let her cry on my shoulder and so across the computer screen is a girl who you can virtually cry on her shoulder. I am so sorry for your loss and I am praying hard for you! If you need anything or just want to vent please feel free to email me anytime. Sometimes the things you want to say you don't want to say to the ones you love. you wish you could scream at a complete stranger. I will be that stranger for you and I wish that there was more that I could do. God is holding you and Alex right now and there are many many people praying for you!
    Big (virtual) Hugs
    Carley
    CarleyCarter@gmail.com

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  24. Carley is so right. God's great love and strength is holding you now. He will NEVER leave you. My tears fall for you and your baby. I'm praying for you. Hold strong to God. Bless you.

    Be Blessed, Beckie

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  25. I am just stopping by to say I am thinking of you my sweet friend, and that you and Alex are in my daily thoughts and prayers.

    Lisa

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  26. Kelly dropped by to say hello to you.Thinking of you and hoping you find the strength to cope
    Love
    Sonia
    soniasv@rediffmail.com
    http://cardsandschoolprojects.blogspot.com

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  27. Kelly I am just stopping by to say hello and you are still in my thoughts and in my daily prayers. I pray for strength, peace, and endurance. Give Alex an extra hug from me tonight.

    A huge hug to you my sweet and dear friend, Pam

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