Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Moving Forward

It has been 2 weeks since I lost my husband. That is such an odd expression, isn't it? It sounds like I have misplaced him, like a set of car keys. Or that we have been separated while shopping in the mall. If only that were true. That he had just been temporarily misplaced, and would soon reappear. This has been the longest 2 weeks of my life. And yet, in some respects, I can't believe it has already been 2 weeks. I never in a million years thought that I would be a widow and single mother at 35. It still seems so unreal, even as I go through each day without my beloved husband. I have been keeping extremely busy, which is a big help. There is so much to deal with, so many little things that you don't realize. And my husband didn't have a will (we thought we had plenty of time to get things in order). So there has been a nightmare of paperwork and legal hoops to jump through.

On the positive side, there has been an incredible outpouring of love and support. From family, friends, classmates, business clients, online friends, etc. The cards, emails, prayers, comments, etc. have been a great source of comfort to me. I have read each and every one of them several times, and I will continue to turn to them as needed. I have had a lot of company, which I appreciate so much. People stopping by to check in on us, to bring us food, to play with Alex and talk to me, to just be here for us. I really don't want to be alone at all. That is when my mind has time to wander and think and contemplate my incredible loss. So I just try to keep busy so my mind can't veer off in those directions.

It is odd what brings up the emotion and tears. I had to run to the store to grab a few essentials the other day. As I walked past the dairy section, I was brought to tears. Keith drank soy milk on his cereal and as I glanced at the soy milk and realized that I didn't need to buy any now, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I miss him with all of my heart and soul.

There was a wonderful turnout at the calling hours and funeral service. Family, friends, business clients, old classmates, etc. And some people traveled so far. We live in central New York and there were people there that traveled from as far away as NYC, Philadelphia, Vermont, Massachusetts, and Washington, D.C. It really shows how much people care that they are willing to take time out of their busy lives to come and honor Keith's memory and support his family during this difficult time.

The day of the funeral was a gorgeous day, unseasonably warm and very sunny. As we drove to the cemetery, the fall foliage seemed brighter and more colorful than I have ever seen it. In recent months, my husband had been on a spiritual journey, finding his way back to God. In the weeks before his passing, he said he was the happiest he had ever been. And he was excited to start on the next chapter of his life, a new season. So the vibrant colors of the leaves seemed so appropriate, signifying a new season for Keith. We had thought the next part of his journey would be with us and it is still more painful than I can even describe, but there is some comfort in knowing how at peace Keith was in his last few weeks. That God had helped him to find an inner peace and happiness before he had to leave this world, and me. So in some ways it is comforting. But I also have moments of incredible anger. How could God take him from me now? Keith was so excited to share his story and his journey so that he could help others. And we had so many plans for our future together. The fact that there is no future for us brings me incredible sadness, anger, and regret.

Thank you for all of the sweet comments. They truly do help. And thank you for your continued prayers.



  1. Kelly, You are such a brave strong inspiration. The fact that you have found some words to pour out, beautiful grateful words, that make perfect sense right now you are amazing. I did misplace my husband like car keys, well, he took off, but will, like keys, show up some day, and I am still a mess of words for it months later. Your last two posts are so heartbreaking for you, but beautifully said. I am so glad you have your paper crafting to see you through the harder times and help heal through the value of celebrating life. And I am glad you got to experience love like you did, if only for the short while. x

  2. Kelly,
    I'm so sorry for the death of your husband. I know I'm a complete stranger but I feel your sadness. I'm only 36 and can't imagine what you are going through. I lost 2 babies in 2005 and it was the worst thing I have ever gone through, but know will get through it. Keeping busy only works for a while and as you know it will be the little mundane things that will creep up on you when you least expect it and bring you down. It sounds to me like you are getting alot of love and support from all avenues...take it when you need it and lean on them often. Find support and/or counciling all will help you get through it!

    You have my prayers!

  3. Kelly I am so sorry to hear of your loss. You are so young to have to go thru this. It is wonderful that you have a great support system from your family & friends. I am sure that they have helped immensely during these last 2 weeks & will continue for weeks to come. I am glad to hear that Keith found his way back to God & know it has to be a comfort to you knowing he is with God watching over you & your son. Keep strong in your faith & God will help you through this trying time.

  4. It is awful to read about a funeral for your husband, you're right, those words just shouldn't need to be said right now. I am so sorry for everything you are going through, it is a situation I'm sure nobody could ever imagine. Take advantage of all the support you're given and never turn that love or help away. I have been thinking of you (even though i don't know you) and I am inspired by the strength you're showing by sharing your story with us. Much love

    rachel w k

  5. Kelly my sweet dear friend,

    As I read your post it was so clear the strength God has given you. I know you don't feel strong, but you are. Keith loved you, and God loves you, they both have given you strength.

    Keith will be watching to make sure you are alright. God is watching and He will make sure you are alright. Will it be hard, yes, I am sorry it will be hard, I wish I could take it all for you.

    My husband and I have prayed for you and the baby everyday. We will keep praying for you as long as you need it. Thank you for sharing that Keith had reconnected with God, That is so amazing, God loved him so much he drew him to himself to cover him. Keith is walking streets of gold.
    He will be forever watching over you both.

    Hugs, Pam

  6. Kelly, my heart is breaking for you, and I can't even imagine the feelings you must be experiencing now. You will continue to be in my prayers. I like to believe that this earthly life is just the tip of the iceberg, and the true gift is the life awaiting us! I know that doesn't bring comfort, but I think that there was probably a more profound reason why Keith was able to find his path back to God, and it was something much more meaningful and beautiful than we can ever understand in this life.

  7. Kelly thank you for sharing your heartfelt feelings with us, many, like me are complete strangers; yet sisters in spirit. Your aching heart is being lifted in prayer and will eventually heal a bit, allowing you to be able to walk past the soy milk without feeling like your gut is being torn to pieces. I am glad to hear that you have a wonderful support system and will continue to keep you in my prayers.


  8. Kelly, I've been thinking about you so much lately. Thank you for writing about your feelings and letting us in. You have such a wonderful open heart. You and Alex have been in my prayers.

  9. You have such a gift of writing your emotions Kelly. I continue to pray for you and Alex.


  10. Thank you for your amazing post! It is wonderful to read that Keith was so happy in your last few weeks together, you will always have that memory. Prayers for you and Alex continue every day. hugs, caz (aussie_caz)

  11. Oh Kelly my heart goes out to you! Prayers continuing for you in hopes you and Alex can enjoy life to the fullest. You are an amazing woman with such a great soul...I know you will make Alex proud to call you Mom. You will survive and thrive and continue to seek the light at the end of the tunnel!

  12. What a beautiful post, Kelly. I truly feel that writing is write what you need to say instead of holding it all in. You definitely have a gift of writing.

    You and Alex are in my daily thoughts and prayers. I am so glad that you have family and friends to rely on. You are strong - stronger than you realize. And knowing Keith found his way back to God should bring great comfort to you. He is now safe now at God's side.

    Hugs, Lisa