Moving Forward

It has been 2 weeks since I lost my husband. That is such an odd expression, isn't it? It sounds like I have misplaced him, like a set of car keys. Or that we have been separated while shopping in the mall. If only that were true. That he had just been temporarily misplaced, and would soon reappear. This has been the longest 2 weeks of my life. And yet, in some respects, I can't believe it has already been 2 weeks. I never in a million years thought that I would be a widow and single mother at 35. It still seems so unreal, even as I go through each day without my beloved husband. I have been keeping extremely busy, which is a big help. There is so much to deal with, so many little things that you don't realize. And my husband didn't have a will (we thought we had plenty of time to get things in order). So there has been a nightmare of paperwork and legal hoops to jump through.

On the positive side, there has been an incredible outpouring of love and support. From family, friends, classmates, business clients, online friends, etc. The cards, emails, prayers, comments, etc. have been a great source of comfort to me. I have read each and every one of them several times, and I will continue to turn to them as needed. I have had a lot of company, which I appreciate so much. People stopping by to check in on us, to bring us food, to play with Alex and talk to me, to just be here for us. I really don't want to be alone at all. That is when my mind has time to wander and think and contemplate my incredible loss. So I just try to keep busy so my mind can't veer off in those directions.

It is odd what brings up the emotion and tears. I had to run to the store to grab a few essentials the other day. As I walked past the dairy section, I was brought to tears. Keith drank soy milk on his cereal and as I glanced at the soy milk and realized that I didn't need to buy any now, it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I miss him with all of my heart and soul.

There was a wonderful turnout at the calling hours and funeral service. Family, friends, business clients, old classmates, etc. And some people traveled so far. We live in central New York and there were people there that traveled from as far away as NYC, Philadelphia, Vermont, Massachusetts, and Washington, D.C. It really shows how much people care that they are willing to take time out of their busy lives to come and honor Keith's memory and support his family during this difficult time.

The day of the funeral was a gorgeous day, unseasonably warm and very sunny. As we drove to the cemetery, the fall foliage seemed brighter and more colorful than I have ever seen it. In recent months, my husband had been on a spiritual journey, finding his way back to God. In the weeks before his passing, he said he was the happiest he had ever been. And he was excited to start on the next chapter of his life, a new season. So the vibrant colors of the leaves seemed so appropriate, signifying a new season for Keith. We had thought the next part of his journey would be with us and it is still more painful than I can even describe, but there is some comfort in knowing how at peace Keith was in his last few weeks. That God had helped him to find an inner peace and happiness before he had to leave this world, and me. So in some ways it is comforting. But I also have moments of incredible anger. How could God take him from me now? Keith was so excited to share his story and his journey so that he could help others. And we had so many plans for our future together. The fact that there is no future for us brings me incredible sadness, anger, and regret.

Thank you for all of the sweet comments. They truly do help. And thank you for your continued prayers.

Kelly